Day 1 of 22 mins damaru kriya

Hello!

Sorry that I have disappeared, I committed myself to a lot of things in my life and didn’t have time to write.

Today, I find myself awake at 4am with my heart pounding like crazy from anxiety, I knew it’s time for me to rest. You see, i kept going, I pushed through even though my body told me to rest, sometimes old habits resurface and that’s ok, the most important thing is that I am kind to myself when that happens.

I worked very hard the last 3 months. So so hard, it’s fulfilling but i feel the waves of overwhelmed and stress, so it’s time to reflect and reset and simplify.

I have done 40 days of 11 mins damaru kriya and rested for 3 days. And today 6th of April, I am starting 40 days of 22 mins, maybe that is why I woke up at 4am this morning. Because I have this mission of doing this meditation, 22 mins of saying har and putting my hands up and flicking my fingers. It will be painful, it will push me to a space where there’s discomfort and pain, however i get trained to sit with these feelings, and in the midst of that, find bliss and peace.

Wish me luck! Here’s a quote from yogi bhajan about this meditation.

You know it’s not and there is no much to it. It is called, it is actually, it is damaru Kriya, it’s name is damaru and it is what Lord Shiva has, if you see His Trishula about little bit underneath there is a one drum there and this is drum movement and it has those Chinese do this way, they move that and they chant with that but this damaru is very powerful, it takes five Tattvas and turns them into mega molecule radiation and in hundred twenty days you can project a beam and for that beam, you will become you.

So I did it, 22 mins of it, and it was hard, my arms were sore, but I feel so much like myself again.

Day 14 of damaru kriya, Sophie’s sick

Today I feel like 11 mins was long!!! And I was distracted a lot, a lot of thoughts, and I had to keep telling myself to keep it up.

Sophie’s temp is 39.5 and her teachers had to administer panadol.

Sigh, poor girl, I am taking her to see a doctor later cos I am worried about the rockmelon listeria thing. Just in case…

Poor girl refused panadol.

She’s been sleeping all afternoon and all afternoon I am lying in bed with her

Anxiety

I want to talk about anxiety, suddenly in the mood of writing, which is so rare, maybe it’s all the meditation that I have been doing.

I am a anxiety prone person, little things used to get me so anxious, my dosha is vata and thus it makes sense that I can be a bit flighty and nervous whenever I am out of balance.

For me, food plays a key role with dealing with anxiety, when I am anxious, I know I am dealing with food insensitivity, and chemical overload, like mercury.

When I was pregnant with Sophie, my anxiety skyrocketed, that I couldn’t sleep.

And I had to learn to sit with my anxiety and it was an eye opening experience, if anyone reading here has anxiety, I hear you and I wanna give you a big hug now. It’s scary and hard to sit and face your anxiety.

You will feel like your heart is racing and jumping out of your chest, that fear that you may not catch the next breath, the sweating on your armpits and palm, it’s scary to to face it.

It’s easier to run away from it, to find a distraction to escape it, to watch tv, to binge eating, to tapping.. but it will keep coming back until you decide to welcome anxiety with open arms and be kind to yourself whilst at it.

Whenever I could feel the wave of anxiety coming, I tell myself, just allow it, don’t resist, let’s be curious for a bit to see the depth of this wave, let’s welcome it and just give it its full attention it needs.

I found that once I acknowledge it, it passes and today looking back at that experience, I am grateful to be anxious, as now I can relate to anyone who goes through that, I can be compassionate as I know what it feels to go through anxiety.

There’s nothing to be ashamed about anxiety, it just means that our sensitive body is telling us a message and keeps repeating it until we give up and start to listen to it.

And I read an article that in a group of monkeys, one would need to be anxiety prone to keep the whole group safe, how cool is that. If you can switch your perspective and give anxiety a purpose, wouldn’t you be contributing to greater connection and humanity.

And if you have anxiety, you are not alone. And one day you will heal, trust me.

Nurturing Sophie and my love for yoga

putting her babies to sleep, she can do this all day

So cheeky

Taking a pic, she was playing in the cot and I was working on the single bed beside the cot

Using this dulse as flavourinh for Sophie’s omelette

Dinner for Sophie, she will eat our stir fry beef dish later, I can’t cook stir fry beef, my hubs says that I will steam the beef 😔

Nope she doesn’t like her seaweed in her omelette but prefers to eat her seaweed raw. 😧😧

Today, she came up to me and said

I love you Mummy

My heart exploded with love and she’s been so sweet.

I am still doing the damaru kriya, it’s been almost 14days, I could feel myself feeling lighter and stronger, really grounded and clear, I can’t imagine what experiences I get when I reach 126 days..

11mins seems like a sweet spot these days, my hands do not ache since I have practiced kundulini yoga for years now, I have build a stamina for it.

Usually I would go for moon yoga workshops every 2 weeks on a Friday night, but tomm night, I wanna cook curry chicken 😂…… priority for the weekend! and even my hubs will remind me to go as he sees the shift in me but I said I wanna cook curry chicken, he has no comments

I have been chanting all these mantras, and it’s funny how it flows into the people around you unintentionally, they become the recipient of the spiritual journey you are in.

One day, Sophie came up to me and said sat nam

Sat nam..,

Sat means truth

Nam means name

It means I see your true nature.

Whenever she says that it’s a reminder to me to tune in to the divinity within.

Thoughts about Setting up a small business

Omg, it’s hard work, especially if you are a mama as well, working full time and studying.

But everything feels right and I am happy. It is scary and I was fearful to put myself out there, those doubts I had dissolved and I just have to power though and put in the effort.

My number one purpose is always being mama to Sophie and my Sammie who has left us. I just have to temporarily do the motherhood and business owner and full time work juggle as I have a vision and dream at the end.

I read an article and it’s says, there are times where your children need you more, and you got to be there. And there’s time where you are needed at work, and you just be there.. I couldn’t agree more..

I have so much to learn about marketing and branding and the business side of things for photography, I am so grateful to be in classes and receiving support.

The most important thing I tell myself is to have fun and go along the journey with why I am doing this at the first place, my big why..

Which is

I want mothers to have nice pictures with their kids and families.

I was at the receiving end when Sammie passed away, a photographer from heartfelt came and help us take some family portraits, and until now I do remember the day we turn off her life support.

Despite how sad and devastating it was, the photographer managed to capture connection and beauty in that moment, which I treasured.

This is what I want for other moms, to be able to freeze a moment in time and observe the beauty unfolding in the family.

That’s is why I get someone to take my family photos every year. Because nothing is ever permanent.

Oh my gosh, super off topic here..

this morning I read about this boy alby from the.small.folk , he was playing with some bouncy balls from his 4th birthday party pack, and tragically the ball was stuck in his windpipe and he passed away being held by his mom, it was a few seconds or minutes, it’s so fleeting and my heart ache for the family

Sophie won’t want to leave childcare

Yes, you read it right….

These days I need to coax and negotiate with her to leave childcare cos she loves it so much..

In one way, I am happy, and in another perspective, I am sad, because she’s happier to be at childcare and not with me.

The sacrifices of a working mom, I guess we can’t have it all and just have to make the best of the path we have taken.

She’s can be such a tom boy, when I picked her up today, she was chasing after her friends and laughing and hiding and jumping. So much joy, when she comes home, it’s all about chores, brushing teeth, eating, going to sleep..,

It’s so addictive, my fav blend is on guard as it keeps sickness away.

Second fav is lavender, and then followed by lime, it makes me happy whenever I diffuse them. Lime uplifts me and I like to diffuse it after work.

I use flower essence, flower therapy, and I love being in nature, so aromatherapy and essential oils fits in so well with my lifestyle, I was wondering why I haven’t used it regularly in the past, I do have other essential oils like the perfect potion ones..

I took the let it go flower essence today, as I felt there’s something I could release, especially coming up to the full moon

our apples, it’s so sweet and juicy! Last year we harvested them too early

And bigger too, last year we had all small apples